Let's talk Twilight

So I read the Twilight series. I didn't want to, because, hello, I am WAY too cool and mature to read vampire books and buy into the whole "you complete me" bullshit romance genre. I'm married, remember? I know that real life consists of cleaning up piss on the bathroom floor, asking for a courtesy flush and fighting the urge to stab your husband as he snores on the sofa while you're trying to get two crabby kids ready for bed.

But, under much diress and with much prodding, I read it.

Fine. I'm lying. I asked Salley if I could borrow the stupid first book. Actually, I begged.

And OH MY GOD, I loved it. LOOOOOOOVED it.

I don't know why, but it hit some long-dead romantic, vulnerable nerve in my body. All of a sudden, I actually wanted to spend time with my husband. Like, alone. Sans kids. Weird, right?

Unfortunately, there have also been some negative side effects of stepping into the (sigh) Cullen world. For example:

- I'm madly in love with a fictional teenage vampire who was really born in 1901.

- I'm madly in love with the actor who plays said fictional teenage vampire in a movie, but only if he's wearing full vampire attire & makeup.

- I've watched the DVD about 23 times and have a tendency to pause every single frame said actor is in.

- I hate the whiny human teenage girl he's in love with. Bitch.

- I find myself suddenly doodling crap like this all over the place.


- I'm pretty sure my kids didn't bathe or brush their teeth for three days. Mom was in a Cullen coma on the sofa.

- I have totally unrealistic expectations of men now. Instead of hearing things like, "You are my life now", I hear things like "You didn't wash my underwear?" and it PISSES. ME. OFF. Seriously...Edward would die for Bella and I have to promise sexual favors to get the living room vacuumed. How is this fair?

And, on top of all this, I've finished the damn series. What the hell am I going to do now? I have no reason to function. The sun is no longer shining when I get out of bed every day. I've resorted to Googling random shit in my spare time, in hopes of forgetting the Cullens and the love affair we once had.

Damn.

Twilight has seriously jacked me up.

What am I going to do now? Go back to reality, you say? Nay, good sirs, nay.

Somebody find me a new series to obsess over, pronto. This "real life" shit sucks ass.
Freaking Edward.

9 people used their Big Boy words to communicate:

musing said...

Seems you feel about Twilight like I feel about all things Johnny Depp. :)

jen said...

now maybe you will go see girlie teenage movies with us.

Shannon said...

Welcome to the club.

I have never, ever read any kind of fan fiction before. Then I found out about a Twilight fan fic story... and I'm on my 4th one.

Sigh.

Angela said...

You've left Judd Apatow and Will Farrel for Edward Cullen?!

lfamily5 said...

Ha Ha Ha! I guess I'm way behind the trend, haven't even picked up the book yet! Miss reading your blog...i've been sick! Happy Spring!

Anonymous said...

Hi Shannon,
Love your blog! Go to Stephanie Meyer's website, you will find 12 chapters of what was to be the 5th book. It is in Edwards point of view.
Robin,
(The bosses sis)

Michelle S. said...

Oh my gosh....hilarious, not just because it's you writing, because it is sooooo true! I am in the middle of Breaking Dawn and I am taking it slow because I don't want it to end! My house looks like a tornado hit, I haven't washed Erics underwear let alone any of his clothes in over 2 weeks and I'm pretty sure my kids will need therapy due to the last month of my cullen coma :)

Adelas said...

Caught you blog stalking, decided to stalk you back due to the amusing comment you left during said blog stalking, got the giggles here and thought I'd say hi.

Hi.

If you've already followed anon's suggestion and checked out Midnight Sun online, try The Host if you still need a Stephenie Meyer fix. No vampires, but plenty of angst and schmoopy.

Oh and if you haven't read Midnight Sun, it will add a whole new level to enjoyment of the movie because you will know what EVERYONE is thinking. Heh.

Melissa said...

Try Christopher Moore! His book, "You Suck!" is a MUCH different vampire love story, will have you rolling on the floor laughing, and running to the store to also pick up "The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror"