31 Reasons

It's Mother's Day. It's time to celebrate your mom, to pamper her and indulge her and let her know how much she means to you, and how blessed you are to have been raised by her.

Except I don't have a mom anymore. At least, not in physical form.

I hate this freaking holiday. It takes on a totally different meaning when your mom is gone. Instead of shopping for that perfect gift, I watch commercials telling me what to get the woman who raised me, the woman who was my best friend in the world...and I cry. Instead of planning brunch or dinner or figuring out who's going to be where, I stare at her picture and wish she was still here.

Yep, Mother's Day without a mother simply blows.

*Sidenote: FTD, I hope you die. I'm pretty sure my mother doesn't want flowers today, and I'm VERY sure that she's not sending me emails letting me know that...so enough with the emails from "mom" detailing "Here's what I want for Mother's Day!" Seriously. I hate you.

I'm in a funk and I'm not so good at hiding it. My friend Erin realized this (because I posted it on facebook) and suggested I write 31 reasons why I love(d) my mom. 31, because that's how old I am, and reasons because it might heal my heart a bit. It's been a year and it still hurts every bit as much as it did the day I found out, so hey, it can't hurt, right?

1. She was the funniest person I've ever met in my life.
2. She would spend hours preparing a meal because she loved to cook. Totally didn't rub off on me.
3. She had little chicken legs, just like me.
4. When I was older and married and would get migraines, she would drive from Long Beach to Orange to bring me medicine, at the drop of a hat.
5. She was there when both my boys were born.
6. She loved my kids more than she loved me, and appreciated each of them for their (very different) spirits.
7. She sacrificed so her children would be taken care of.
8. She worked her whole life, from 15 years old to when she died at 54, even when she was so sick she couldn't keep her eyes open.
9. She managed to take care of me and my brother even after she was gone.
10. She survived things most people can't and shouldn't.
11. She left my dad when she realized he was bad for us. I was only 2 years old.
12. She was the Medicine Queen. Seriously. Need some Vicodin, Xanax or Midrin? Give her a ring.
13. She was strict. And I was scared of her, until the day she died.
14. She was an old school parent. She wasn't my friend, she was my mother. I didn't argue, I didn't say no, and when I was grounded, my ass was in my room for two weeks.
15. I look very much like her. And so does The Dictator.
16. She made me be a parent when I had The Hormone King at 20 years old, instead of raising him while I went off and partied. I hated her for it then, but loved her for it later.
17. She was the most sarcastic person I've ever known.
18. She wanted to be a better parent than her mother had been. And she was.
19. She loved to watch TLC.
20. She talked to me recently in a dream. She still cares. :)
21. She was one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.
22. She told me she was proud of me before she died.
23. She was very generous, and would give anything she had to someone she loved.
24. She used to say "Happy Natal Day" instead of "Happy Birthday".
25. She taught me to smile instead of cry.
26. I could forge her signature perfectly. She found out and didn't care.
27. She kept every single lame, ugly "thing" her grandchildren gave her. And trust me, some of them were very lame and very ugly.
28. She used to play music throughout the house on the weekends. I grew up listening to The Steve Miller Band, The Beatles and Fleetwood Mac blaring at full volume.
29. She never let me off the hook. She made me own my shit.
30. She was the mentally strongest woman I've ever known.
31. She was my best friend.

Happy Mother's Day, mom. I miss you.

7 people used their Big Boy words to communicate:

Angela said...

Beautiful! I hope it helped that was a great idea, if not at least we know a little more about her and a little more about you!

Love you.

Justin said...

I know she is there, I am sorry, I know this is a hard holiday for you. I miss her, but sometimes it's just easier keeping yourself busy and not having to think about it. I couldn't read all your 31 reasons, I was afraid I would cry.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful! How lucky you are to have such an amazing mom! I hope you were able to process some of your grief through this beautiful expression of your love for her!

Now, it's time for you to focus on you now on Mother's Day - so that you can leave that amazing legacy for your boys! Someday, they will cherish mother's day because they had you for their mama!

Veronica Harmonica said...

Awww Shan. I totally teared up reading this remembering all these things about your mom. She was so awesome, what a beautiful way to honor her & what a perfect Mother's Day gift from you. Love you!

Anonymous said...

I've only just read this today after some googlehashing and really enjoyed it. Its both sweet and honest, two things that tend to not exist too well together, but through your wording you can tell you celebrate her life more then grieve your loss. For that, kudos and +1 internet for you.

Marni said...

Oh my gosh...this is so darn Beautiful!!! I hope it helped!!

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful young lady and your mom loved you so much. I only found out about her passing by finding your blog. She was all of those things...she lived for her family. Love to you and your family.