I want an Addison

My pal Angela just had a baby. Five days ago, as I ate a bowl of Fruit Loops and checked my bank balance, she pushed out a little human being.

Addison is a girl, and adorable, and the minute I held her my ovaries started dropping eggs like they were Hot Pockets fresh out of the microwave.

She is BRAND NEW. Unblemished. Unsoiled. Untainted.

She doesn't talk back and think she knows it all.

She doesn't heavy sigh when asked to pick up dog crap.

She doesn't bite other little children in preschool.

She doesn't put off a book report until the night before it's due so the whole family can stay up until 2:00 a.m. getting it done.

She doesn't have a screaming meltdown when you tell her she can't play Beer Pong on addictinggames.com because it's just not appropriate for a 5-year old.

She doesn't give out her mother's cell phone number to her friends because she doesn't have a cell phone. This means her mother doesn't get texts all day long from some little stalker whore who just can't take a hint that she's already been broken up with.

She doesn't run around with her wiener flapping in the wind before she gets in the shower.

(I guess that last one is technically impossible).

My point is, she's new and soft and cuddly. She smells like fresh human and has no teeth. Her fingers are long, her fingernails are tiny and she has no neck control whatsoever. She's floppy and warm and sweet.

I love her.

Unfortunately, she belongs to Angela, which is probably the best thing for her anyway. But since Hubs has pretty much shut me down completely on procreating again, I'll just have to make do pretending she's mine for awhile.

Until she can talk. Or walk. Or have an opinion of her own.

Why do those damn babies have to grow up?

6 people used their Big Boy words to communicate:

lauriekendrick said...

Hey Shan,

LOVED how you wrote this. Excellent.

She's tiny and sweet and smells fresh now, but give it a few years. Angela will know the horrific reality that motherhood can sometimes be.

Remember when yours were all needy and sweetness and light and smelled fresh? I don't have kids, but I had nieces and nephews I was very close to when they were Enfamil colored shit machines with no neck control. Decent babies all of them but they grew to be acne riddled, angst ridden prepubescents and even worse teens. Precocious minds, hearts and incredibly precocious glands.

They're all young adults now, but it was iffy for a while there.

Growing up can be a bitch and I would know. At 49, I'm still doing it.

Great post.


WheresMyAngels said...

That was funny stuff woman!

But look at it this way, you can enjoy her when you want too and when you tire if her, give her back. Really, it doesn't get better than that.

Deb said...

I bet she doesn't look so cute between 1 and 5 AM. ha ha
love this post. I have been obsessing over having another baby.
i'm just too fat and too tired to do something about it. :)

Angela said...

My Addison, precocious...never! ;)

lfamily5 said...

I love it when babies are fresh out of the their mommy's tum! Funny how God made them so yummy when their little...kind of hard to give them back when they are so cute!
Happy Thanksgiving!

Shannon said...

Oh, I'm with you on this one! Why can't they just stay little??!?!