Dear Bluetooth

Dear Bluetooth,

I HATE you, Bluetooth. I hate you and I hate you and I hate you. I hate you more than The Smashing Pumpkins. I hate you more than yeast infections. I even hate you more than that high-pitched whiney voice PPT does when he's telling on The Dictator. I'd rather have someone on speaker phone, screaming at the top of my lungs and allowing the little people to hear words that will make their ears bleed, than wear you, my God-forsaken Bluetooth.

Reasons I hate you:

1. You don't fit in my freaking ear. Either of them. And come to think of it, I've never met anyone whose ear is shaped like a mushroom. If I were a professional wrestler, we'd be good to go, but I'm not...so you don't fit in my freaking ear.

2. I can't adjust you without hanging up on who I'm talking to. No, seriously. I can't. I've hung up on tons of people, because while I'm trying to get your damn mushroom self to fit in my ear, I push that miniscule little button on the outside, which apparently turns you off.

3. I can't blindly judge people I see driving. It used to be that if I saw a guy behind me, screaming at the top of his lungs and playing Pictionary with himself in his car (like I did today), I knew he was just crazy. Thus, I could switch lanes and stay away from the delusional and/or drunk guy. Now, because of you, I can't tell. He may be screaming at his wife. Or his mother. Or his priest. The point is, I don't know, and how am I supposed to properly judge people without ever meeting them if I can't even interpret their body language?

4. You are so very uncool. Your sleek lines, your cupped ear cushion...you scream, "I am yuppy scum! Please come discuss stocks and politics with me, for it is obvious that I am far too busy to use my hands to hold a telephone device."

5. You make strange sounds and I have no idea what they are. You beep at me, even when you're fully charged. You ding in the middle of a conversation, and you yell at me if I try to turn you up past your maximum volume. You're the grumpiest technological device I've ever met.

6. Your ring tone is "When the Saints Go Marching In". And I have no idea how to change you. Luckily, you're never really in my ear, but dangling outside ready to fall off the minute I adjust my sunglasses, so it's not that loud. But still...really?!?!?

7. You take about 25 minutes to shut off. And most of the time, I forget to turn you off, so when I go to make a call or listen to voicemail, I hear nothing come out of my phone. Then I look around like a confused Golden Retriever, unable to figure out why I can't hear anything. Usually, I just give up and delete the message I couldn't hear because it must have been a bad connection, right? I see what you're doing Bluetooth, and if you want to play games, I AM DOWN.

These are the reasons why I hate you, Bluetooth. I wish you would die. If it weren't for the new law and those damn CHP officers...it'd be toast for you, buddy. Toast.