Skinny jeans and menstruation

Sorry to offend all your delicate little ears out there, but PPT is becoming a bitch.

He's 10 1/2. He likes sports, money, the military, girls (kill me), and singing in a pitch so shrill and loud that stray dogs come running. Your typical boy, right?

Wrong. My son woke up about a month ago, and I realized HE IS TOTALLY BECOMING A GIRL. In fact, I expect he'll start menstruating any day now.

It all started with skinny jeans.

PPT: Mom, when can I get skinny jeans?

M: Did you just use the words skinny and jeans together? You're so not my kid.

PPT: You know, like all the cool skater kids wear? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease-

M: For the love of God, I'll buy you anything if you cease that horrid sound.

PPT: (Dancing around the room) I get skinny jeans, I get skinny jeans!

M: Go take a shower. And get that ginormous booger hanging out of your nose, or I'll do it for you.

PPT: Mom, gross!

M: I pushed that giant head of yours out, I can pick your nose. Now go! (Note: the giant head comment is one I use at least twice a week. It makes him shiver every time.)

Now, let me explain something to those of you who may not know what PPT looks like...he's about 4 feet tall and all of 59 pounds soaking wet. In fifth grade. Skinny jeans, it turns out, aren't skinny on him...they're just jeans that fit.

And his newfound interest in fashion and picking his own style is new to me. Honestly, he's never cared what he wore or how he looked...in fact, up until about a month ago, I was still picking his clothes out for him. (I have good taste, shut up.)

So I got him his damn skinny jeans. And they're skinny. Like S-K-I-N-N-Y. They're so skinny that when I put my arm in them to turn them right side out after drying, it usually gets stuck. I'm fat, but I'm not that fat...these bastards are just tight. How do his balls breathe? Your guess is as good as mine.

Last week, PPT spent a good 7 minutes in the bathroom doing his hair. Again, if you don't know what PPT looks like, here's a visual aid:

(That's him, on the left. On the right is The Dictator, who looks so sweet and pure you'd never guess a demon spawn lives inside him.)

If you look at the photo closely, you'll notice one tiny detail that makes it difficult to figure out why he spent 7 minutes perfecting his coif...HE DOESN'T HAVE HAIR.

What does a 10-year old boy do in the bathroom for 7 minutes with hair gel and no hair? Wait, never mind. That mental image is going to burn a hole in my brain.