Moths & crickets suck ass

I'd just like to say for the record that moths and crickets suck ass. They suck major, big, hairy ass.

I'm not a huge insect fan, and I can honestly say that I don't know many women who are. Most are afraid of the usual suspects- cockroaches, spiders, roly polies...okay, maybe not that last one, because they're pretty damn cute, and besides, they can fold themselves into a ball...how freaking cool is that? If I could accomplish that, I'd never leave the house.

But the cockroaches and spiders are big on the ick factor for most folks.

Now, don't get me wrong...I certainly don't love either of those creepy crawlies. But if I had to pick, I'd take a spider over a cockroach any day. Cockroaches have exoskeletons, which make them crunchy- and that makes me want to yak. Spiders do their own thing, and have you read Charlotte's Web? You just can't hate on spiders if you've read that book. The last thing that painted cockroaches in a favorable light was Joe's Apartment...and that ain't saying much.

Anywho, as much as I don't dig cockroaches, there are two heathens in the insect world that really chap my ass- moths and crickets.

Moths- my most despised adversary. Most critters really are more afraid of you than you are of them...I think they sense that we're about, oh, 965 times their size and keep their distance. But oh no, not moths. They fly all up in your business, dive bombing you as they flap their dirty, hairy wings half an inch from your ear. You try to run from them (well, I do), they chase you. You try to smash them, they hide behind a light fixture until you feel safe enough to venture back in the room...then they attack you.

Ugh. Just thinking about those fuzzy little antichrists makes me want to vomit. And don't even get me started on butterflies. Glorified moths.

And crickets? First of all, their antennae are way too long for their bodies. And they, like moths, don't seem to understand the concept of 'personal space'. They'll actually hop towards you as you're trying to smash them. They're big and brown and they make that God-awful chirpy noise...and somehow, those little ninjas find a way in to my house when all doors and windows are locked tight. Luckily, I don't usually know they're cohabitating with me...until 3:00 a.m., when they start chatting. Or when I vacuum one up.

Luckily, Bad Dog loves to eat bugs. She's good for something, you know.

So there you have it. Cockroaches and spiders suck, yes, but at least they have the decency to run away when a size 9 Rocket Dog is coming at them. Moths and crickets not so much...because moths and crickets just suck ass.

Next week's topic: junebugs. Flying cockroaches. Insects should not thump when they land.