Dear Taco Bell Lettuce Gnome

Dear Taco Bell Lettuce Gnome,

Why do you feel it necessary to ruin my dining experience?

For years, I've been going to Taco Bell and ordering the same thing...a taco with no lettuce and a soft taco with no lettuce. For a long time, my tacos were correct and lettuce-free, and all was right in the world. But the last few years, I started noticing that my tacos are not correct, nor are they lettuce-free, and I could never figure out why. I've pondered and struggled to understand, and I think I finally get it.

It's you, isn't it, Taco Bell Lettuce Gnome? It's you.

You lurk behind the steel bins full of processed meat and cardboard lettuce, waiting for a chance to get your revenge on all of mankind for whatever harm was done to you as an innocent toddler Gnome. You wait, giggling and rubbing your hands together maniacally while you devise your master plan, until you hear the magic words: NO LETTUCE. spring into action.

You watch the Taco Bell workers carelessly gather up the rubber meat and plastic cheese and toss it on the tortilla. Then, as they turn their hair-netted heads to double check the paper order, you pounce, gently placing one little piece of disgusting, wretched lettuce in the taco. The workers, too busy and full of hatred for that little mircophone in the drive-thru, don't even notice you. But your evil plan has worked. You've now officially ruined my tacos. Both of them. And all it took was 10 centimeters of that horrid green shit.

Why, Taco Bell Lettuce Gnome, why? Why do you desire to destroy my nourishment? What have I done to upset you so? Please let me know, and I will fix it immediately. I'd like my tacos lettuce-free again.

And in the meantime, I'm ordering the nachos and a cheese roll.

A Huntington Beach/Orange Taco Bell patron

P.S. I drive a silver 2005 Mazda MPV, and am always very nice to the cashier. Even when he calls me "Honey", which makes me want to bash his friendly little face in.

3 people used their Big Boy words to communicate:

Angela said...

Next time try this:

"sin lechuga por favor", the lettuce gnome may speak Spanish

P.S, I can say this cause I'm Mexican ;)

Kelsey said...

haha too funny! I find that my local taco place doesn't understand the words, "no tomatoes"! I haven't been to a Taco Bell in years...mostly because the nearest one is 20 minutes away..

bejewell said...

The Taco Bell Lettuce Gnome is clearly related to the Sonic Onion Fairy, who sneaks into my burger order every time I'm there and leaves nasty little chunks of onion under my bun, even though I have said specifically "NO ONIONS" and confirmed the NO ONIONS specification has been added to the order BEFORE I let the tiny person inside the Sonic speaker cut me off.