Dear Internet Spam,
Let's be honest...we both know I don't like you. In fact, some might say I despise you. But I realize you're part of my internet experience, and that if I want to communicate with the rest of the world with a computer instead of a pen and paper, I have to accept you. And as much as I want you to die a horrible, painful death...you're not going anywhere. So we need to lay down some ground rules.
1. My penis is large enough, thank you very much. No need to offer me enhancers in that area.
2. I don't think refinancing will be an option for me, since we rent. But if you find out otherwise, please let me know.
3. I have no desire to see my neighbor naked. Trust me, he's nice enough...but clothes on is my preference.
4. The inside of my body is doing just fine, so your "Body Cleanse" won't be necessary.
5. You're right, my credit score may have changed- but probably not from yesterday, or 30 minutes ago, when you sent me the last email.
6. I get all my medication the old fashioned way- from a "doctor". Illegal prescriptions just aren't my thing.
7. This "XXXXXXXXX-Free Adult Site" you speak of...I'm intrigued. What do the Xs stand for? Is it a place for cool, hip parents with young children to hang out? OK, keep sending me more info about that one.
8. Oh my gosh! I won a 7-day cruise to the Bahamas! Really?!?!? I'll pack my stuff right now.
9. Seriously...Guitar Center. They have a "3-day only" sale every 3 days. Go away.
10. Did you know that you can lose 350 pounds in two weeks, just by sitting on your computer and sending in $49.50? That is truly phenomenal.
11. King Buiwahsekeejheealf from South Africa has $2 million to give me and all I have to give him is my bank information. Sure, he forgets to use vowels and can't punctuate to save his life, but he says he's a King- so I'm in! I'll email it to you right away. Would you like a key to my house and my social security number while I'm at it?
So, Internet Spam, if you could just delete those options from my email spam list, that would be wonderful. And while you're at it, could you possibly get rid of Papa John's, Hotwire, West Elm, Big Lots, Classmates and Reunion.com too? Thanks.
Shannon in Orange
Dear Internet Spam,